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When asked how he feels heading into his last game voicing the Hawks, and his first game with pads, Foley responded, "Utterly terrified, I do not want this."
Cardinals Head Coach Kliff Kingsbury was also disappointed in his team’s performance, stating, “I know we won, but we only beat them by 11. I’m not gonna crown our asses.”
“We really believe here that the Andy Dalton that you all have seen since 2011 is not the Andy Dalton we picked up, nor has he ever been that Andy Dalton,” said Coach Nagy.
“Your cherished remembrances, days in the sunshine, and the North Side’s warm sense of community, all are valuable assets in today’s league.”
“The White Sox organization made up 'Tim Anderson' in 2015," said Hahn. "It was a very dark time for the fanbase and we weren't playing great baseball. We just wanted to give fans something to cheer for. We never expected it to go this far."
“As a lifelong Bears fan, the father of two said that this past draft was the first time since 1985 that he has felt complete inner fulfillment.”
“Carrying what he insists on calling the ‘Covid Vaccine Cannon 6000’ (CVC-6000 for short), Benny will fire doses aimlessly into crowds of no more than 25 persons (socially distanced of course) in parking lot zone B.”
"We know men are accustomed to this ritual bathroom exposure, but allowing them to partake within the Friendly Confines itself will have to wait.
"We are willing to spend all of our draft picks to build a roster that lets Watson know we're Super Bowl or bust."
“A potential roster was leaked to The Machine with a mixed up lineup including Contreras pitching, Darvish playing outfield, and a member of the Chicago Dogs acting as a pinch hitter while Bote watches.”
“Lost all these games due to covid, but to be honest, we had a lot of fireworks left over from the 2019 season,” said Guaranteed Rate Field maintenance worker, Carl Fisker. “Really thought Yolmer Sanchez would have a better year.”
“As cases piled up around the world this winter, I knew it was my responsibility to make sure we were so far out of playoff contention, that any dangerous plans to return to a potentially interrupted season would not include us.”
“Crowds will be discouraged from gathering around, but it will be broadcast on the Marquee Network, if you can find it.”
“We considered editing a mask onto MJ in every clip to comply with CDC standards, but that would have been a little too far.”
“It was ideal for quarantine. Pretty roomy without the officials in there, and the WiFi connection is surprisingly strong. I will kind of miss it.”
“I’m not supposed to be crying in March, I’m supposed to have an inappropriate amount of hope right now that this might be the year they barely win the World Series again,” said Jones.
“It came down to Brady or Bridgewater. We couldn't make up our minds. Then, I thought, ‘What do people get when they need to compromise?’ Subway. Problem solved.”
"Coming out of my Freshman year of college, I was ready to take whatever job gave me an offer. The Bulls are a great organization, so I figured I could always work my way up from Center, to senior manager in the ticket sales office.”
"We did our best to prepare the UC for the Bulls to return, but it took longer than expected to pick up all of the hot dogs that somebody shot out of a t-shirt cannon.”
“It is an honor to be able to represent my city as a part of All Star weekend. Though, if I‘m lucky enough to win the raffle, I think I‘ll probably just resell them online,” said Coby White, just as Trae Young hit a 40 foot jumper in the UC.
“This is a team with a fanbase who knows the bare minimum that they want out of a QB, and I promise to help Trubisky barely meet those expectations.”
“Now my coworkers are pissed at me, my manager takes me aside literally once a week, and 4 million strangers are threatening to kill me on Twitter.”
“What we have here is a lightly used coach full of potential, and this Black Friday he will be on sale at participating Dick’s Sporting Goods for just $19.99,” said Reinsdorf in a TV ad aired on Comcast Sports Net.
When reached for comment, Head Coach Matt Nagy stated, “Here in Chicago, the fans want, and deserve championship football. In order to make this happen, I researched all of the other recent champions, and found that the Houston Astros once won after making this same purchase."
“A lot of people think I was just being cheap the last few years, but the truth is that I didn't have access to any of my bank accounts without this checkbook. The White Sox payroll has been paid entirely by hot dog sales and whatever money Kenny Williams found underneath his couch."
“We worked on a play call where I run a wheel route, then sit down on the turf and think for several minutes on the futility of making an effort in an uncaring world. That's the kind of high-quality, existentially terrifying stuff Coach Nagy has dreamed up for this week," said running back Tarik Cohen
“I’ll never cross the picket lines, but I do still have bills to pay,” said 53 year old Lisa Banks. “Besides, Trubuisky’s 5.2 passing yards per attempt shouldn’t be too hard to match, and after 31 years of teaching students to read, I’m sure I could handle an NFL playbook better than he can.”
"I loved playing under Joe, but after watching the team fail to get it done this year, I knew the team needed a change," said Ross. "So I thought this off-season was the right time to get on the phone with Theo and tell him that I'm hired."
“When the miner offers the silver pick, you’ll give away the Midway for a Tarheel without a trick.”