Bears GM Ryan Pace Speaks of Evil Fortune Teller he Struck on Way to 2017 Draft

By Alex Peters

Following the end of Sunday’s Saints game, a Chicago Machine reporter found  Bears GM Ryan Pace at a downtown pizzeria bar. After multiple orders of jalapeño poppers, and shots of Rumplemintze, Pace opened up about the fateful night he ruined the future of the Chicago Bears at the 2017 draft.

“It all started when I was behind the wheel. I had just heard this ridiculous trade offer from the 49ers, and I was laughing so hard that I took my eyes off the road,”  sobbed the inebriated front office administrator.

Traffic cameras show that the 95 yr old Eastern European fortune teller was at the corner of Ohio and Wabash, when Pace’s Chevrolet Suburban plowed into her.

“ I immediately got out of my Suburban to see if she was okay,” sobbed Pace. “That horrible old woman looked up at me with her one good eye shining in the neon light from Pizzeria Unos, and whispered a riddle I didn’t understand... until just now..”

When the miner offers the silver pick, you’ll give away the Midway for a Tarheel without a trick.

“I thought it was just some new hip hop lyric, and I only listen to early 00’s pop punk , so I just let it go.......but dear God I was so wrong,” cried Pace.

“ My eyes glazed over, and I don’t remember anything until heard the dulcet tones of Sum 41 on my speakers, and I woke up in time to see Adam Shaheen was available in the second round.”

At press time, San Franscisco 49ers GM John Lynch refused to comment on accusations that he pushed the woman in front of Pace’s car.