“In a stunning example of the justice system actually working, the Chicago Irish Mob has reportedly filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy due to the loss in bribe money from local politicians.”

“You just don’t get that warm sound on digital that you do with vinyl or cassette tapes,” said the former alderperson of the 25th ward. “For this evidence I really wanted to go old school--no studio, just me, a 1988 Sony TC-200, and a lot of words speaker Madigan can’t take back.”

“The hats only work if you wear them properly. A lot of people don’t get this. Somehow, they think a tinfoil visor will protect them. No! It needs to cover your whole head. That’s the only way they’ll keep Alexandria (Ocasio Cortez) from manipulating your thoughts.”

"It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and an abortion.”

1. Eighth Grade Crush, age 14, Depression

“This is a great day for the people of Illinois,” said Speaker Chris Welch. “Through this action, Governor Prizker is ensuring that taxpayers can hold their politicians accountable even after they get indicted and convicted for massive pay-to-play corruption schemes.”

“This guy anarchydan420 said the stock can only keep going up--there’s no limit to how much the city can make off this!”

“Speaker Madigan's office declined to comment on this article. However, public records show that ComEd has already made a $500,000 contribution to a newly registered PAC called "Democratic Organization of the Moon/13th Ward."

“Resistbot here! Literally Carolyn, I’m right outside of your house. Look, I really don’t want to be alone right now. Could you just open the door? Text Y/N.”

Other sources of mother-daughter friction include admonishments to wear a sweater in the harsh Chicago cold, why don’t Lightfoot and First Lady Amy Eshleman come to visit more often, and just what the Mayor plans to do about getting Chicago Police out of the public schools.

"Rahm was always the cooler mayor, he would let me sleep in my car whenever I wanted," yelled the ex-high ranking official in the Chicago Police Department.

At press time, a homeless man living in one of the spaces was accidentally given a briefcase and carted off to DC to attend the impeachment inquiry.

If Governor J.B. Pritzker signs the measure, it would make Illinois the first state to pass a law regulating the sun since New Jersey banned the celestial body in 1927.

"Yeah, can I have nine hot dogs, three whole chocolate cakes, and I'm going to pass you a 10 gallon bucket to fill up with chili," said Cullerton. "You might want to tell the people in line this will be a while."

Passengers simply ignored the outburst until someone pointed out that the person at the center of the tirade was not a random homeless dude, but was actually in charge of setting foreign and domestic policy for the world's most powerful nation.

There will also be exactly one elementary school nurse attending the match, which the board has said is plenty for an event of this size.

“I just got really high, you know, and I went down to the nearest Jewel because I really needed a snack or something,” said Governor Pritzker, “But then I couldn’t decide what I wanted so I’m just like, yo, I guess I’ll just buy a supermarket chain now.”

“How can you understand the culture if you don't experience it?" Said Governor Pritzker, as he red stamped the document with enough force to rattle his office bong collection.

"I really can't confirm or deny my feelings over this new development. What matters are facts. And the fact is that these clowns are about to owe me a milkshake,"

“Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Could they be signs from God? Constant reminders of my sinful ways? Have I honestly cut off 2,438 people in traffic since moving here?”

“I don’t understand why we’re starting construction without plans to include a warning track,” said Cubs centerfielder Albert Almora Jr. “When I’m tracking a flyball across the American West and through the New Mexico desert, I don’t want to run into the wall at full speed.”

“Ice blocks carved in Trump's likeness have melted into Mitch McConnell's likeness.”

“Everyone was about to walk away from the table, thinking we wouldn’t be able to make a deal. But then someone said, ‘hey you know Tim Zalewski from Berwyn? Fuck that guy,”