Mueller One Testimony Away From Free Milkshake on Congressional Loyalty Card

By: Dylan Siegfried and Kaleena Slate

Photo by: Nick Horowitz

Washington DC - Walking out of Congress this Tuesday as emotionless as he walked in, Mueller realized he was only one punch away from a free milkshake on his Congressional loyalty card.

"I really can't confirm or deny my feelings over this new development. What matters are facts. And the fact is that these clowns are about to owe me a milkshake," said Mueller with a staunchly neutral tone.

Republicans have been pleading with the whimsy-less investigator to reject the frosty treat with some going so far as to offer their own benefits. Lindsey Graham has personally offered his special double fudge banana split in exchange for Mueller's absence. Mueller responded to Graham curtly, "I've never been much of a banana man Lindsey."

Founded by AOC, Congress' new loyalty system is working better than expected with the President eagerly offering to testify about whatever everyone has been talking about lately.

He went on to say: "I don't know who came up with this program but it is a tremendous program, a terrific program, with terrific milkshakes. It is the best program we have going on in this country today, which makes it the best because American milkshakes...are...THE BEST!"