Now the world is your popsicle! Here are ten things you can lick once you get your second dose:
Read More"We ran out of gas long ago, we're subject to the river's will, and our only chance of survival is the generosity or carelessness of passers by on the bridges above," said passenger Brittany Orland, as she reached out off of the side of the boat to catch a fallen pint of Ben & Jerry's from the Lyric Opera Bridge.
Read More“We asked for hardhats at least, but that Lightfoot, she thought it would take away from the performance.”
Read MoreHe’s mentioned it in the past but hasn’t really followed through. "This year is going to be different," he said, "There comes a time in a wiener's life when Sport Peppers, Pickles, Tomatoes, Mustard, Celery Salt, Onions, Neon Relish, and Poppy Seed Buns just aren’t enough.”
Read More"We will be issuing discounted tickets to passengers who have been dismembered or maimed by the ongoing battle although we discourage involvement. Please attempt to stay within the designated demilitarized zone of the Brown Line above Sedgwick.”
Read MoreThe webinar plans to cover those topics that new parents fear most: changing diapers, talking about love, and resisting the allure of a billion dollar soul sucking music label.
Read MoreAt press time, a homeless man living in one of the spaces was accidentally given a briefcase and carted off to DC to attend the impeachment inquiry.
Read More“Most of the show's budget so far has gone into an extensive legal team they are keeping on retainer.“
Read More"We haven't updated a damn thing,” said general contractor Pete Borisson. "But we have put down masking tape labeling the new 'living districts' of the old supermarket. We'll be billing for that."
Read MoreWilson, a 4th generation asshole ever since his Great-Great Grandfather pushed a pregnant woman out of the way to get a better spot in line at Ellis Island, has found it harder and harder to find legitimate reasons to be a verbally abusive butthole to people.
Read MoreThe tank will also sit next to a sprawling prison wall replica filled with fun facts like, "Did you know it takes 25 pounds of concrete to hold a human body underwater for 1 year?"
Read More"As it phased in and out of being a night club, pizzeria, and beer garden, the he neighbors didn't know what was going on exactly. You could see the business was struggling to find itself, really a sad sight,"
Read MoreThere will also be exactly one elementary school nurse attending the match, which the board has said is plenty for an event of this size.
Read More"No bueno my dude," said Milo Sheppard of Wicker Park. "I do not kick push anymore, this is going to be a gnarly adjustment," he continued, showing signs of one of the early stages of grief and loss.
Read More“The Planetarium will take all arguments that can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that we live on a circular yet flat-as-a-pancake earth, and we are the human syrup just waiting to brim over the sides. “
Read MoreWhen asked for comment, Cubs fans burned a Maddon jersey in effigy, because tradition is important.
Read MoreStylishly rolling into town today in his diamond encrusted tour bus, Chance the Rapper is ready to light up the City with his beats, his bars, and an outspoken pronouncement that he is in fact married now.
Read MoreThe passenger aircraft passed so close to other planes during the show that pilots were able to discuss a recent episode of The Bachelorette over the intercom with one of the Blue Angels.
Read More“How can you understand the culture if you don't experience it?" Said Governor Pritzker, as he red stamped the document with enough force to rattle his office bong collection.
Read More"I really can't confirm or deny my feelings over this new development. What matters are facts. And the fact is that these clowns are about to owe me a milkshake,"
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