Bottled Blonde Goes Brunette to Avoid Legal Trouble

By Dylan Siegfried

CHICAGO, IL - Leaving behind a life of raucous parties, noise complaints, and vomit filled front stoops, Bottled Blonde is now disguising itself as a brunette in an attempt to evade legal prosecution.

Recently the courts have come down on the establishment threatening to take away their liquor license if it can't figure out what it wants to do with its life. The sobering experience has affected everyone working at the restaurant, and has inspired management to take employees on a retreat in order to get their lives back in order.

"After our retreat we all decided that it's about time we grow up and start living more responsibly,” said General Manager Jake Frock. “The days of vape plumes, body shots, and playing remixes of ‘Shape of You’ for 3 hours straight are over and the we are hoping that their neighbors can put our drug and booze fueled past behind us.”

It was then that employees decided to mark the important stage in the restaurant's growth as many young adults do: a drastic hair color change and a sentimental tattoo quoting an Billie Eilish song.

Originally appearing in River North as a quaint Italian restaurant, Bottled Blonde's journey to adulthood has had it grasping for identity. "As it phased in and out of being a night club, pizzeria, and beer garden, the neighbors didn't know what was going on exactly. You could see the business was struggling to find itself, really a sad sight," claimed neighbor Marla Juttz.

"I really hope they figure this out. I know that restaurant has a good heart and I just don't want to see it get hurt.