Stopped CTA Train Announces Plans to Inch Forward Another 10 Feet

By Hirsch Ptyc and Mitchell Trachtenberg

Just as local man Brent Jennings found his spot on the Clark/Lake Brown Line platform right in front of the train’s doors, the rush hour train he was waiting for announced its intention to inch forwards another 10 feet for no discernible reason.

“No offense to Brent at all. He did a good job guessing where the doors were going to be, so he should get credit for that," said the train as it started sliding forward out of a perfect complete stop. "But we're just gonna scooch forwards a little bit, just to spice things up."

After it stopped inching forwards, several people who were standing in very random locations were in prime position to enter. Jennings, who had carefully chosen his spot on the platform to end up in front of a door, was swept away in a cluster of roughly 30 individuals attempting to squeeze themselves into the doorway. By the time Jennings had reached the doors, they had closed.

"That's fine. Perfectly fine. I'm totally ok with this turn of events,” said Jennings through clenched teeth. “I'll just wait for the next train. Again. Did I mention how perfectly fine this is? Who needs to get to work on time anyway?"

At press time, the next brown line train entering the station was delayed by 30 minutes due to a medical emergency on the Skokie Swift.