“The White Sox organization made up 'Tim Anderson' in 2015," said Hahn. "It was a very dark time for the fanbase and we weren't playing great baseball. We just wanted to give fans something to cheer for. We never expected it to go this far."
Read More“This is a great day for the people of Illinois,” said Speaker Chris Welch. “Through this action, Governor Prizker is ensuring that taxpayers can hold their politicians accountable even after they get indicted and convicted for massive pay-to-play corruption schemes.”
Read More“Speaker Madigan's office declined to comment on this article. However, public records show that ComEd has already made a $500,000 contribution to a newly registered PAC called "Democratic Organization of the Moon/13th Ward."
Read More“A lot of people think I was just being cheap the last few years, but the truth is that I didn't have access to any of my bank accounts without this checkbook. The White Sox payroll has been paid entirely by hot dog sales and whatever money Kenny Williams found underneath his couch."
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If Governor J.B. Pritzker signs the measure, it would make Illinois the first state to pass a law regulating the sun since New Jersey banned the celestial body in 1927.
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“We worked on a play call where I run a wheel route, then sit down on the turf and think for several minutes on the futility of making an effort in an uncaring world. That's the kind of high-quality, existentially terrifying stuff Coach Nagy has dreamed up for this week," said running back Tarik Cohen
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“No offense to Brent at all. He did a good job guessing where the doors were going to be, so he should get credit for that," said the train as it started sliding forward out of a perfect complete stop. "But we're just gonna scooch forwards a little bit, just to spice things up."
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"Yeah, can I have nine hot dogs, three whole chocolate cakes, and I'm going to pass you a 10 gallon bucket to fill up with chili," said Cullerton. "You might want to tell the people in line this will be a while."
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Passengers simply ignored the outburst until someone pointed out that the person at the center of the tirade was not a random homeless dude, but was actually in charge of setting foreign and domestic policy for the world's most powerful nation.
Read More"I loved playing under Joe, but after watching the team fail to get it done this year, I knew the team needed a change," said Ross. "So I thought this off-season was the right time to get on the phone with Theo and tell him that I'm hired."
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Sources indicate that as the hundreds of thousands of students were driven to Mayor Lightfoot's home early this morning, the Mayor set out several packs of baby carrots and a box of Capri Suns for the arriving youths.
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“This was the largest mass-adoration of a Chicago kicker since every Bears fan gave Robbie Gould a collective foot rub before the 2006 Super Bowl.”
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“When reached for comment, Bears GM Ryan Pace denied that the Bears had hired Grossman as a coach over the off-season, but admitted the QB has been living in the ventilation ducts of Solider Field since 2009.”
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“I just got really high, you know, and I went down to the nearest Jewel because I really needed a snack or something,” said Governor Pritzker, “But then I couldn’t decide what I wanted so I’m just like, yo, I guess I’ll just buy a supermarket chain now.”
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“We’re disappointed we couldn’t secure the world’s largest island for our country, but Americans should know that the three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bathroom condo we’re getting is just as good.”
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“I don’t understand why we’re starting construction without plans to include a warning track,” said Cubs centerfielder Albert Almora Jr. “When I’m tracking a flyball across the American West and through the New Mexico desert, I don’t want to run into the wall at full speed.”
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“It’s going to be called something stupid like ‘Vape Time’ or ‘Smoke City,’ and it’s going to have a glass case filled with bongs they can’t legally tell you are for smoking weed.”