Entire City of Chicago Announces Plans to Kiss Eddy Piñeiro on the Lips

PC: Getty

By: Hirsch Ptyc

CHICAGO - Following a clutch 53-yard field goal that salvaged a 16-14 win for the Bears yesterday, the entire city of Chicago issued a statement announcing plans to kiss Bears' kicker Eddie Piñeiro on the lips.

"After what happened last year, I never thought I could trust a kicker with my heart again. But Eddie Piñeiro has lifted me up and and reminded me of true love ," said Bears' fan Todd Malinowski while applying chap-stick in the mirror. "Do you think I look ok?"

Piñeiro, who also made two other 40+ yard kicks on the day, propelled the Bears to victory with his leg despite a lackluster offensive showing and a last-minute defensive collapse.

"This incredible man beat out 8 other kickers in a marathon preseason showdown, and he showed off that same raw talent and tenacity last night. Which is why I will be the first to kiss him directly on the lips when we touch down at O'Hare," said head coach Matt Nagy.

Eddie Piñero himself could not be reached for comment. However, his agent stated that this will be the largest mass-adoration of a Chicago kicker since every Bears fan gave Robbie Gould a collective foot rub before the 2006 Super Bowl.