“This chapter has worked diligently to spread our message to the people that a vote for Johnson is a vote for chaos. And I’ll be damned if I look like a liar. All we need is the green light from the rest of the board and then it’s go time, baby.”

Citing their rich history of humane slaughterhouses, Tyson wishes to extend that same courtesy to their employees.

“The time for thundershirts has passed, the sky booms are upon us,” Potato Chip concluded. “Lick your loved ones’ faces, and make peace with your God. There may be no treats tomorrow."

"People shouldn't be worried about us drunk driving. They should be worried about the underground street racing circuit she started.”

“Juneteenth commemorates the day in 1865 when [REDACTED BY ORDER OF GOV. DE SANTIS]. Although President Lincoln [REDACTED BY ORDER OF GOV. DE SANTIS] two years earlier, it wasn’t until General Grant issued General Order Number 3 that [REDACTED BY ORDER OF GOV. DE SANTIS].“

“Why the hell did it have to be B.A.? B.A. is a hero! He’s a champion of children everywhere, he drinks his milk, and he sure as hell don’t cause no respiratory problems!” said Mr. T, referring to himself in the third person. “Unless you need him to,” he added, with a twinkle in his eye.

"We’ve been taking old IUD’s, cleaning them, and making little shrines with them too. Is it hygienic? No, but neither is eating the Jesus Catholic crackers.”

“It’s like a battle cry for scaring the opposition. ‘Stick up kids? YOU GETTIN’ INTERRUPTED! Looters and thugs? YOU GETTIN’ INTERRUPTED! Muggers and punks? YOU GETTIN’ INTERRUPTED!” Cool, huh? Wish you could hear my keytar. It’s way better with the keytar.”

"After accidentally catching the news on a TV in his Wrigleyville crossfit Gym, Barrett Dentley, 24, learned that Vladimir Putin exists, and immediately determined he could beat the shit out of him."

“We can’t even go through a regular Easter event without translucent Jesuses popping up everywhere. It’s extremely traumatic.”

"In an article to be published in the Journal of Astrophysics, a team of researchers at the University of Chicago's Fermi Institute determined that explanations of unaccounted mass in the universe did nothing to increase the likelihood of casual sex."

“The damn thing was drunk, high, and asking the 150 N. Riverside building if it could "borrow $5 for a down-payment on a cheeseburger."

“Build a robot that will take orders, serve salads, and pour Pepsi instead of Coke into glasses. While your robot is serving customers you can go into the break room and scream into a mop.”

“Besides, you can't expect to enjoy the cosmopolitan delights of our eponymous five-flavored rainbow cone without putting up with the occasional mob hit.“

"I know some CEO's would promote their replacement from within the company, but it just seemed simpler to stage a giveaway that brought five random Chicagoans to my corporate headquarters and then to slowly eliminate them, possibly fatally, until the final survivor inherits the company."

“Sources say he was heard to remark, ‘Hoo boy’ and ‘really clears out your sinuses’.”

“It’s hard to get an exact date, but based on the size of their mustaches and the comments they’ve made to our female staffers, we can deduce that these men were frozen in the late 1960’s.”

“We need to let people know that when it comes to justice, no one is off the hook. So, we’re sending the message loud and clear: if you’re a cop and you’re going to shoot a young black kid in the back sixteen times while he’s walking away, get ready to serve half of a seven-year sentence and then write a report over the weekend on the guy who invented peanut butter.”

“The mayor correctly pointed out the correlation between remote learning policies and an increase in violent car thefts,” said Hilbert in a press release. “So we took stock of our current course offerings and made the difficult decision to no longer offer instruction on carjacking.”

3. It covers the dog shit we also didn’t pick up.

“In fact, we also apologize for our delay in announcing these perpetual delays. We admittedly knew months ago, but we were honestly kind of hoping you wouldn’t notice, and/or we could just hire some more workers in the meantime.”

“I don’t know what the hell i was thinking,” the city of over 3 million residents said Monday morning, with a head still throbbing from the party days earlier. “Our COVID curve is just a vertical line now.”