Russian Troops Poised to Invade Ukrainian Village

By Patrick Reilly

CHICAGO, IL - Russian President Vladimir Putin announced plans Monday to amass troops along Damen Ave, supporting separatist forces in the eastern regions of Ukrainian Village. The Russian President has recognized the independence of the 160 acre neighborhood in Western Chicago, stoking fears of an imminent Russian invasion.

In an hour-long speech, Putin claimed Ukrainian Village, the historic neighborhood bounded by Division Street, Grand Avenue, Western Avenue, and Damen Avenue, was merely a byproduct of Soviet powerbroking. The Russian President claimed the neighborhood was traded away by Lenin and others in exchange for tickets to the Cubs 1918 National League Pennant victory.

Many in the neighborhood have expressed worry at the build up of Russian T-90 tanks outside West Town Bakery & Diner. “Russian forces have been moving into Ukrainian Village secretly for some time now,” reported Ald. Michael Scott Jr. He cited Russian focused businesses like Shokolad Bakery, Red Square Spa, and Comrade Cycles.

Neighborhood resident Myron Mykytyuk, like many others, is making preparations for an attempted Russian occupation of Tryzub Ukrainian Kitchen. “My family has been living in this neighborhood for generations, and we aren’t going to let Tucker Carlson’s favorite world leader kick us out. If they roll into the neighborhood, they will have to take it street by street, from the Ukrainian Cathedral on Oakley Blvd all the way to the other Ukrainian Cathedral on Oakley Blvd, eight blocks away.”

President Biden has promised to impose sanctions if the Russian military makes a move on the American neighborhood. He has also vowed to maintain economic austerity measures imposed by the EU on Greek Town.