Urine Attacks in Andersonville Give Rise to Jellyfish Vigilantes

By Tanya Kornilovich

Photo Credit: Joel Sacramento

CHICAGO, IL — After multiple freak attacks of people dumping cups of urine on pedestrians, a new vigilante group has formed. It is a team of jellyfish patrol the streets of Andersonville in order to protect innocent civilians from free-flying urine.

“After a difficult few years in a pandemic, the last thing I need is to be non-consensually doused in urine. It warms my heart to see these jellyfish have sprung into action,” said longtime Andersonville resident Jeffrey Nutmeg.

Jellyfish and urine are long-standing enemies. Because urine can cure the jellyfish sting, the jellyfish species have made it their sworn duty to avenge human urine everywhere. When the jellyfish in Lake Michigan heard about the urine attacks, they banded together, floated out of the water, donned trench coats and hats to fit in, and started patrolling the streets.

So far, the residents of Andersonville feel safer. The jellyfish vigilantes have a keen sense of smell, and only attack when the smell of urine is so overwhelming it is undeniable. So far, they scoped out a toddler as a potential urine attacker suspect, approached, but then realized in the nick of time that the toddler was not an attacker.

“These sensitively-smelling jellyfish make me feel so safe,” says Andersonville resident Elizabeth Tethers. “They even smelled the jars of urine I keep in my basement for non-throwing purposes!” She continued, “They may not the heroes we wanted, but the heroes we needed.”