Mr. T Pities Fool Naming COVID Variant

By John Mobley

CHICAGO, IL - The COVID-19 pandemic has taken many twists and turns as it has ravaged our planet over the last 2 years, but perhaps the most noble turn taken this spring has been one man’s fight.

That man? Mr. T.

Chicago’s favorite son has joined the fight, but not in the way many would expect.. The cancer survivor and former bouncer is a proponent of masks and vaccines, even drawing the ire of Ted Cruz. As Omicron surged this winter and spring, it became the dominant variant in the United States, with several sub-variants emerging. These sub-variants all share certain characteristics, including their initials: BA, the same initials as T's character from the long-running TV show "The A*TEAM."

“Why the hell did it have to be B.A.? B.A. is a hero! He’s a champion of children everywhere, he drinks his milk, and he sure as hell don’t cause no respiratory problems!” said Mr. T, referring to himself in the third person. “Unless you need him to,” he added, with a twinkle in his eye.

“Why couldn’t they just keep it Omicron?” he lamented, “It sounds like a Decepticon. That’s appropriate, because Decepticons are evil, and I am not.”

Dropping to the floor to execute several push-ups, Mr. T continued. "Whoever made this decision is gonna have a problem. 24...25. Omicron can give you problems in 3 days. I come across the fool who did this, it’s gonna be 3 seconds!”

When asked if he could expound upon what he had in store for the unfortunate person, he glowered at a camera that wasn’t there and said simply, “Pain.”