14 Reasons Why Old Town Residents Won’t Shovel Their Goddamn Sidewalks

By John Mobley

Why do residents of the other 76 neighborhoods keep asking me why my neighbors and I won’t clear our sidewalks of ice and snow? Here are 14 reasons.

  1. People need more danger in their life.

  2. Second City is trying to get back into slapstick.

  3. It covers the dog shit we also didn’t pick up.

  4. I'm cold.

  5. It’s cold.

  6. What? The 10 inch wide sliver that can only accommodate one person at a time isn't enough?

  7. UGH! I did it last year!

  8. I thought the rats would take care of it.

  9. What does a snow shovel even cost? 10? 15 grand?

  10. If we clear the sidewalks, people will just drive there!

  11. If I clear the sidewalk, the landlord will know I'm still squatting here

  12. I've never lived in a snowy environment before. You should see me drive in this shit!

  13. I didn’t shovel the vomit off the sidewalk last St. Patrick’s Day, I ain’t shovelin’ now.

  14. Natural Immunity

LocalMachine Staffjohn mobley