John Catanzara Warns Johnson Victory will Lead to Blood on Streets, If He’s Got Something to Say About It
By Aaron McDavis
CHICAGO, IL - A recent interview with Chicago police union leader John Catanzara quotes him asserting that a mayoral victory for candidate Brandon Johnson, would result in “blood on the streets, if I got something to say about it.” In the months prior to election, Catanzara, President of Chicago’s Fraternal Order of Police, announced the chapter’s endorsement of candidate Paul Vallas along with a stout warning that voting for Brandon Johnson would see a massive wave of violence spread across the city. Following the results of election day, Catanzara reiterated his statements.
“All I’m saying is the moment that man steps into the office is the moment law and order will be officially dead. Even if we of Chicago’s FOP have to kill it ourselves. This chapter has worked diligently to spread our message to the people that a vote for Johnson is a vote for chaos. And I’ll be damned if I look like a liar. All we need is the green light from the rest of the board and then it’s go time, baby.”
Catanzara then proceeded to pull out his phone and present pictures of a customized recently purchased through Amazon.com. The mask, made of high-quality latex material, boasted an all-black facial cover with thin LED lighting decorating both eyes and mouth openings.
“We got these for the whole union,” said Catanzara. “You think police brutality’s bad now? Just you wait. We’re going to to turn this bitch into The Purge.” Catanzara proceeded to scroll through the collection of pictures, revealing images of various personalized weapons ordered by FOP members. These weapons include hatchets, machetes, tasers, batons, samurai swords, even a spiked bat with the quote “Redrum” carved into the wood. “That one’s mine,” said Catanzara.
“I was going to have them write ‘Born To Kill,’ but the extra lettering was too expensive. We have to start preserving our two-billion dollar budget now that mister ‘defund the police’ is taking over.”
Upon learning of Catanzara‘a comments, former candidate Paul Vallas immediately expressed disapproval. “I fully condemn John’s words. It was completely irresponsible to say all of that publicly. Especially since he promised to hold off until I had a chance to pitch Chicago’s police department my Squid Games idea.”
At press time, the FOP had begun a crowdfunding page to purchase a remote controlled flamethrower to place in the back of a pickup truck.