Easter Bunnies Quit After Ghosts of Jesus Keep Popping out of Eggs

By Tanya Kornilovich

CHICAGO, IL — Easter season is upon us, and with it are the endless egg hunts, chocolate baskets, and Easter bunnies. Easter bunnies are well equipped for handling the difficulties of Easter season: they carry Tide pens to protect themselves from children’s vomit, they are prepared to cut off demanding parents who hog their time, and carry extra chocolate eggs with them at all times.

However, a problem that used to be a rare occurrence has grown exponentially. Jesus’s ghost keeps popping out Easter eggs, scaring the shit of those bunnies.

Bunbun Hoppyscotch, a representative for the Easter Rabbit Union, issued a statement, stressing, “Every Easter season, we always get a few Jesus ghosts that pop out and occasionally haunt us. However, the number of Jesus ghost sightings and hauntings have grown exponentially. We can’t even go through a regular Easter event without translucent Jesuses popping up everywhere. It’s extremely traumatic.”

Easter bunnies have started walking out of events after ghosts of Jesus keep popping out like Whack-a-Mole.

“Here I am, wrangling a screaming child because his parents want a vaguely unsettling Easter photo, so I’m already on edge, and then out of this kid’s basket of eggs pops out a Jesus ghost. And it's not even like a cute baby Jesus, or a refined Jesus, it’s the crucifix Jesus that pops out. I almost crapped myself!” said Flufflyballs Hare, an Easter Bunny based in Lincoln Park.

The high-turnover rate of traumatized Easter Bunny's has created a labor shortage, leaving stressed parents irate.

“I mean, I get that’s it’s scary that bloody Jesus ghosts keeps jump scaring them, but these rabbits do not realize that we need these photos for Instagram, so they have to suck it up,” says Troy Smith, a father of three.

“Our union has requested additional security and we’re exploring exorcists that specialize in Jesus cleansing. If needed, we may need to strike. Being an Easter bunny has never been easy, but 2022 has thrown us for a loop,” said Hoppyscotch.