Citing their rich history of humane slaughterhouses, Tyson wishes to extend that same courtesy to their employees.
Read More"We’ve been taking old IUD’s, cleaning them, and making little shrines with them too. Is it hygienic? No, but neither is eating the Jesus Catholic crackers.”
Read More"After accidentally catching the news on a TV in his Wrigleyville crossfit Gym, Barrett Dentley, 24, learned that Vladimir Putin exists, and immediately determined he could beat the shit out of him."
Read More“We can’t even go through a regular Easter event without translucent Jesuses popping up everywhere. It’s extremely traumatic.”
Read More“Build a robot that will take orders, serve salads, and pour Pepsi instead of Coke into glasses. While your robot is serving customers you can go into the break room and scream into a mop.”
Read More“In fact, we also apologize for our delay in announcing these perpetual delays. We admittedly knew months ago, but we were honestly kind of hoping you wouldn’t notice, and/or we could just hire some more workers in the meantime.”
Read MoreSmith is on the side of, “if you scrape the mold off the stuffing cubes, they should still be fine.”
Read More“No more can you consume six different kinds of hard cheeses in front of the fridge over the course of 72 minutes for dinner.”
Read More“When the internet is slow, I hate Comcast. When the internet is fast, I still hate Comcast. But when the internet doesn’t exist… turns out, I love Comcast,” says Jeff Sellers, a consultant who works in River North.
Read More“Any day now, Q will reveal everything,” says Smith. “Including why none of my nieces and nephews speak to me anymore.”
Read More“Ever since it was brought home to the apartment, it has sat in the back, slumped over and gathering dust. It has been opened once, when the owner went on a health kick, but has been abandoned ever since.”
Read More“Imagine a world in which you don’t have a set maximum salary or hours, and you don’t have to work when you don't want to. Sounds amazing right?”
Read More