3-Year-Old Bag of Quinoa In Back of Pantry Worried it Will Never Find Love

By Tanya Kornilovich

999 N. Western Ave, IL — A 3-year-old bag of Bob’s Red Mill Quinoa stuck in the back of the pantry is facing a severe existential crisis, as it is afraid it will never find love.

Ever since it was brought home to the apartment, it has sat in the back, slumped over and gathering dust. It has been opened once, when the owner went on a health kick, but has been abandoned ever since.

Even though quinoa was excited to join such a diverse and fun space, this pantry hasn’t been as great as predicted. It has attempted to make friends, but the dating prospects, or even friendships prospects, are low.

“The pasta section is always boppin’,” says quinoa. “Constantly, there are boxes of spaghetti, gnocchi, and Mac and cheese, bouncing in and out.”

The pasta sauce section, the potato chip sections, and the chocolate and treat section of the cabinet are also pretty popular. But they have their cliques. Chocolates want to hang out with other chocolates. Sometimes they’ll include the gummy bears. So on and so forth with the pasta sauces and the potato chips.

At one point, quinoa became pretty good friends with the other neglected bag of almond flour, but then that ratty bag became moldy and attracted fruit flies.

“After the almond flour found new friends, I tried to hang out with the dried beans, but they weren’t super into it.”

Quinoa is getting worried because they’re expiring in March 2022. The clock is ticking and it’s not looking pretty.

At this point, they’re reaching out to spread the word to their owner.

“Use me, bring me into the light, and make me popular among all the other dry goods! I have one life to live. When I was brought here I imagined being Carrie Bradshaw. With almond flour it was a little bit like Cast Away, honestly. But it’s not too late! I still want to find my Mr. Big.”