Be Your Own Boss! Pyramid Scheme Pitch Turns out To Be a Door Dash Job

By Tanya Kornilovich

CHICAGO, IL — Last Thursday, Jessica Thorndale sat down to have coffee with her old roommates’ sister Madeline to discuss a business opportunity that would allow her to be her own boss.

Thorndale had been no stranger to these roles. She’s tried Thrivent, Apocalypto, and YoungLiving. She got a thrill off of getting excited by the possibility of becoming an entrepreneur and a millionaire.

With Thrivent, she sold diet chocolate bars to her friends while recruiting them into her downline, and had to quit when they were sued by another company called Thrivent who said they were sullying their name.

Then, she worked for Apocalypto, where she sold apocalypse preparedness packages to her friends while recruiting them into her downline. She had to shut it down after all of her Christian customers thought it was taking God’s power away from their future rapture.

Her latest venture was YoungLiving, where she sold essential oils to cure cancer, COVID, and constipation, to her friends while recruiting them into her downline. She quit after she went $2400 into the red on her business.

So Thorndale was pretty intrigued by the possibility of being her own boss (again) and not being subject to irregular shifts and crappy tips (again). This time, it wouldn’t end in heartbreak. This time, it would make her a millionaire.

“Imagine a world in which you don’t have a set maximum salary or hours, and you don’t have to work when you don't want to. Sounds amazing right?”

Thorndale was holding her breath in anticipation. She’d heard these pitches before, she just wanted her to get to the good stuff.

“Is it Scentsy? Is it Aeriyl? What is it?”

“No, it’s this incredible thing— have you heard of DoorDash? It’s basically owning your own business.”

Thorndale had, indeed, heard of DoorDash. And they did, in fact, offer flexible shifts and you could be your own boss. Her roommate did DoorDash, and she earned a steady, yet paltry, paycheck. There wasn’t even a downline!

Unfortunately, Thorndale wasn’t swayed by the pitch. DoorDash never offered promises of millionaire-dom, so Thorndale wasn’t convinced. So, Thorndale was still on the hunt for her next MLM which would offer her the dreams of financial freedom.