QAnon Scrambling to Tie Parlor Pizza Raid to the Cabal

By Tanya Kornilovich

CHICAGO, IL — After the dramatic raid of all three Parlor Pizza locations, Portage Park resident Geraldine Smith couldn’t hold her excitement. Smith, a self-described QAnon Scholar, logged on, hoping that QAnon had updated for the first time since December 2020.

“It’s just such a striking time. I just keep remembering Pizzagate and how exciting it was when our great oracle, Q, started making all of these incredible predictions. I’m now thinking, was Pizzagate really about Parlor Pizza?”

Another QAnon fan, West Loop resident Chad Tremerson, who claims to regularly communicate with Q, says that this is all part of Q’s plan.

“The lack of posts since December? All part of the plan. JFK Jr. flaking on all of us down in Dallas? Part of the plan. The Parlor Pizza raid? Part of the plan. My eczema flaring up? Part of the plan. Me getting sued for back payments of child support? Part of the plan.” Tremerson assures us that a new Q drop, explaining the Parlor Pizza raid, will be coming soon.

“He is working on figuring out where that cabal is located. Like they have to have a bunker underneath one of them. Trump definitely knows about it, I’ve actually just tweeted at him, asking if Trump knows which Parlor Pizza has a cabal bunker underneath it,” says Tremerson.

Ivory Kelly, an ex-QAnoner in Lakeview, has something else to say.

“Q is scrambling, for sure. He didn’t predict a literal pizza raid? Come on. That’s like Jesus missing his second coming or whatever. He’s probably trying to add some random numbers together that match some receipt number from a Parlor Pizza customer that proves Hilary Clinton was drained someone’s blood. Or something.”

It seems like Kelly is on to something, as there are rumors on Twitter and 8chan that Q is scrambling to make sure his status as an oracle and leader is unthreatened with this pizza raid that came out of nowhere.

Meanwhile, Smith and Tremerson continue to wait for the real explanation for the raid.

“Any day now, Q will reveal everything,” says Smith. “Including why none of my nieces and nephews speak to me anymore.”