Comcast Outage Causes Spike in Happiness Not Seen Since Cubs World Series Win

By Tanya Kornilovich

CHICAGO, IL — On the Tuesday morning after daylight savings, there was a city-wide outage of Comcast causing an unexpected surge of euphoria, not seen since the Cubs won the world series five years ago.

“When the internet is slow, I hate Comcast. When the internet is fast, I still hate Comcast. But when the internet doesn’t exist… turns out, I love Comcast,” says Jeff Sellers, a consultant who works in River North.

“This very short break was blissful. Three meetings got canceled and I was able to walk around the river and enjoy the fresh air, instead of doom scrolling on my phone in the fresh air.”

Mallory, a teenager who attends CPS, said that the internet break forced her out of her TikTok rabbit hole in the crochet community.

“Honestly, I was reading about the controversies in the crochet TikTok community, and I don’t even crochet. I honestly don’t know I even ended up on this side of TikTok. But when the internet cut out, I got to stare at the ceiling and take a nap. It was incredible! I’m so sleep-deprived.”

In fact, according to a very scientific Twitter poll, the happiness levels in Chicago were at an all-time high while the internet was down. Such a spike was last observed during the historic Cubs win.

“Honestly, my entire firm realized that the point in life is to be able to shut off your internet,” says Sellers. “Mostly, because then we don’t have to work, and we could do what humans were meant to do: just kind of chill.”