City to Revamp Eisenhower Expressway with “Fun, 1950’s Throwback Feel”

Photo Credit: Aaron McDavis

By Tommy Spears

CHICAGO, IL - The Office of City Planning has announced their intention to use federal aid money to make several improvements to the Eisenhower Expressway, including a plan to give the entire stretch of highway what officials are calling “a playful, 1950’s vibe.”

“As a tribute to President Eisenhower and his vision for the national highway system, the Office of City Planning will be restoring the Eisenhower Expressway to its original glory,” said Secretary of City Planning Lydia Hoenig in a prepared statement. “Wider lanes, no speed limit, a higher legal blood alcohol content...and of course the city will be distributing packets of cigarettes.”

Secretary Hoenig also added that while littering on the Eisenhower Expressway would no longer be punished, a fine will be instituted for men not wearing hats.

“We just wanted to try something a little different to drum up interest in the highway,” continued Secretary Hoenig. “And Mad Men was so cool--did you all see Mad Men?”

While the AMC show Mad Men boasts a 94% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, not all city departments were immediately receptive to the planned restoration.

“I thought it sounded like an insensitive waste of taxpayer money at a time when thousands are unemployed, facing eviction, and dying,” said Mayor Lori Lightfoot. “But then they pointed out that the CPD would need an all new fleet of era-appropriate squad cars. I have a strict policy of taking every opportunity I get to give city money to the police.”

At press time, a large traffic jam has brought all vehicles on the Eisenhower Expressway to a halt, but the city has dispatched car-hops on roller skates to serve milkshakes and french fries to the stranded commuters.