Top Ten Ways to Stare Into the Abyss While Technically Still Working
By Tanya Kornilovich
Photo by Joel Sacramento
CHICAGO, IL — When the world feels out of control, but bills keep on piling on month after month, we must find a way to continue to work, even when all you want to do is lie in bed and cry, scream on the couch, or a eat a sandwich in the bathtub. Here are some amazing tactics to help you multitask by staring into the multiverse while still on the clock.
Pretend that the client/boss/coworker in front of you is an entertaining TikTok so you can look at them in a detached and amused way.
Perfect the art of sprinkling in the appropriate amount of “mhm”s and “aha”s while someone is telling you something really important, such as the fact that you accidentally put two pumps of vanilla syrup instead of three in their coffee and they would really like a refund, so help you God.
Mute yourself on Zoom meetings and make sure that your eye contact is vaguely in the direction of the screen. Meanwhile, you can focus on your racing thoughts about the threat of nuclear war.
Hire 12 unpaid interns to replace you and lock yourself away into a corner office to take five-hour-long naps in the middle of the day.
Practice sleeping with your eyes open while selling produce at the farmer’s market. The vegetables basically sell themselves!
Continue clacking your fingies on the keyboard even if you’re not typing anything.
Build a robot that will take orders, serve salads, and pour Pepsi instead of Coke into glasses. While your robot is serving customers you can go into the break room and scream into a mop.
Watch Love is Blind while moving your mouse every ten minutes. Pants are optional.
Pick up smoking so you can dip out of your shift every 30 minutes for a much-needed depressive episode. Plus, you’ll get to look cool while smoking.
Win the Powerball, quit your job, and spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks a year devoting yourself to being devastated about the state of the world. But you’ll be doing it from a beachside house by the riviera with a $700/hour psychotherapist on call.