Minotaur of Lower Wacker Chased Out of Tunnels by Regular-Sized Rat with Switchblade

By Liam O’Sullivan

Late Saturday night, Anaxagoras, the Minotaur of Lower Wacker was found in critical condition outside Millenium Park. Witnesses on the scene describe hearing the 2 ton monster scream in pain continuously starting at 9pm.

“Dude got his ass beat, plain and simple,” says 22-year-old yaoi addict Marshawn Andrews. “Have you seen Tom and Jerry hentai? It was like that, except with way less gay sex.”

Sources close to the incident have informed the Machine that the Minotaur’s assailant was a normal rat, about the size of a rat, armed with a switchblade. According to the Machine’s Rat Consultant, the rat “bought the switchblade at a store.”

Chicago Transit Authority president Dorval Carter issued a statement earlier this morning, “Anaxagoras is an important part of the city’s transit infrastructure. Without him rearranging the twisting paths of Lower Wacker, too many people are getting to work on time. As a result, we are cutting service on the Yellow Line.”

The motives and history of this switchblade wielding rat are so far unknown, but the unhoused man outside the Machine offices theorized, unprompted, that the rat is a Cubs fan.

UPDATE 6/4/2024:07:30:23 AM: Fresh out of the ICU the Lower Wacker Minotaur has released a statement: “He was so scary, you guys.”