Rising Temperatures Expected to Thaw Chicago Police Department, Still Frozen in 1968

Photo by Joel Sacramento

By Tommy Spears

CHICAGO, IL - Citing increased sunlight and a warm front moving in from the west, the Chicago Institute of Weather Sciences announced that residents can expect rising temperatures to thaw the Chicago Police Department, whose conduct and policies have been frozen in place since the 1968 Democratic Convention Riot.

“Police brutality, racial profiling, murdering civilians and then covering up those incidents – we can expect an end to all of this when the two-foot sheet of ice covering the CPD finally melts,” said the Institute’s Dr. Stephanie Rubin. “It’s hard to get an exact date, but based on the size of their mustaches and the comments they’ve made to our female staffers, we can deduce that these men were frozen in the late 1960’s.”

While Chicagoans can look forward to more sunlight and police oversight, the City has warned citizens to expect some friction as the unfrozen officers adjust to the new time period.

“These guys have been encased in ice since before Nixon got elected, so there’s gonna be culture shock,” said a spokesman for Mayor Lightfoot’s office. “I mean, they’re gonna turn on the news and see cops beating up protestors, and racial unrest, and a war we can’t get out of, and…you know what? They’ll be fine.”

The CISW is advising residents not to panic, as the police will freeze in place again next November. However, there’s still no confirmation on whether heavy April winds will blow away the $75 million debt the city has incurred defending police detective Reynaldo Guevara.