Willie Wilson Hides Five Golden Tickets in Gas Pumps Around the City

By Tommy Spears

CHICAGO, IL - Willie Wilson, the Chicago businessman and mayoral candidate who paid for thousands of drivers to fill their tanks for free, has announced he's hidden five golden tickets in gas pumps around the greater Chicago area, and has promised that the finders will receive a free tour of his offices with one lucky winner inheriting Wilson's business empire.

"Once I am elected to the office of mayor, I'll be too busy to oversee my empire of medical supply warehouses or my gospel TV show, Singsation," said Wilson. "I know some CEO's would promote their replacement from within the company, but it just seemed simpler to stage a giveaway that brought five random Chicagoans to my corporate headquarters and then to slowly eliminate them, possibly fatally, until the final survivor inherits the company."

Four golden tickets have already been found--one by A. Gloop, a competitive eater who was visiting an AM/PM to purchase roller hotdogs; one by TikTok enthusiast and Gen-Z brat M. Teavee; one by 90's alt rock band Veruca Salt; and one by V. Beauregard whose thing is that she likes gum.

"It was weird finding that bit of gold foil jammed into the gas pump," Beauregard told the Machine. "But it was way weirder after that. This guy comes up and says he'll pay me for Willie Wilson's secrets? It was definitely just Willie Wilson in a bowler hat and dark glasses. It was...look, I guess I'm just glad I got the gas."

At press time, the fifth ticket had been found by Charles Bucket, 16, of Skokie. In a statement to the Associated Press, Bucket said "I just hope there's, like, a real trippy boat ride, y'know?"