David Ross Announces David Ross Hired as Cubs' Manager

By Hirsch Ptyc

CHICAGO - After 3 years of painfully obvious waiting, fan-favorite retired catcher David Ross informed Cubs' GM Theo Epstein today that he will be hired as the next manager of the Chicago Cubs.

"I loved playing under Joe, but after watching the team fail to get it done this year, I knew the team needed a change," said Ross. "So I thought this off-season was the right time to get on the phone with Theo and tell him that I'm hired."

Ross endeared himself to Cubs fans with his clubhouse leadership during the 2016 World Series run, sparking rumors that he would one day take over as manager on the North Side. Since then, Ross has entertained himself by appearing on Dancing with the Stars and working TV broadcasts for ESPN. Many in the Cubs organization, including Cubs' owner Todd Ricketts, believe now is the right time for Ross to take the reins.

"I thought it was really weird when Dave unilaterally rescheduled his own interview from our main office to the upstairs batting cage at Slugger's," said Ricketts. "But when he sat us down and said, 'cancel all your other interviews, you have no power over Grandpa Ross in Wrigleyville,' I knew we had literally no choice."

At press time, Dave Ross announced to Theo Epstein that Theo would be inviting him over for dinner, and making Dave’s favorite meal.