Bears Hold QB Tryouts for Striking Teachers

Photo by Alex Peters

By Bismo Funyuns

CHICAGO, IL - As Chicago teachers continue to strike for better resources for their students, some of them are taking a QB tryout offer from the Chicago Bears in order to earn income until an agreement is reached. 

“I think it’s great that we’re getting some new faces here,” said Head Coach Matt Nagy, as he timed the 40 yard dash of 45 year old 3rd grade math teacher Tom Potter. He continued, “I’m not too concerned about their lack of experience, we traded up for somebody who had just 13 starts in college.” 

Even after long hours of rallying downtown, hundreds of CPS teachers are still traveling out to Halas Hall in Lake Forest for the opportunity to take the starting job away from Mitchell Trubisky.

“I’ll never cross the picket lines, but I do still have bills to pay,” said 53 year old Lisa Banks. “Besides, Trubuisky’s 5.2 passing yards per attempt shouldn’t be too hard to match, and after 31 years of teaching students to read, I’m sure I could handle an NFL playbook better than he can.”

Coach Nagy also made it clear that the Bears are not just looking for people who can lead on the gridiron, but can help teach the system to the rest of their teammates. 

“Even if for some reason I can’t take Mitch Trubisky’s job, I’d be more than happy to teach this team the difference between positive and negative yardage,” said Potter, still catching his breath from his earlier 40 yard dash. He added, “Plus, they’ve scored so little this year, they might not even know how to multiply by 7!” 

Banks hopes that turning around the Bears’ season could even provide leverage for the CTU in their negotiations. 

“If we can somehow lead this Bears team to the playoffs, it would prove the benefits of smaller class sizes, guaranteed meals, and regular access to social workers,” said Banks.  

At press time, poor Mr. Potter was being treated by the Bears’ medical staff for a mild heart attack after learning how much money Mitch Trubisky makes. 

He is expected to make a full recovery.