Lake Shore Drive Adds Lakeside Exits to Reduce Congestion

By Ari Loundy

CHICAGO, IL - Following complaints of heavy traffic, the Illinois Department of Transportation has added exits from LSD leading directly into the lake..

"The challenge with opening new exits," said Charlie Warren, the lead engineer of the project, " is the sheer amount that already lead to the city, there's just no room for any more." As a result, the construction team has installed 20 new exits that lead directly into the lake. The project has been marketed to the city as, "A sweet release from traffic."

"Billy really had to go pee, so we pulled off at the Chicago Avenue exit, directly into Lake Michigan," said Edith Parman, from her room at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. "The car is in the shop and I need surgery, but Billy stopped complaining, and this is better than sitting in traffic."

When asked about possible plans to remove the highway, Mr. Warren was dismissive. “It’s a Chicago landmark, you don't just delete it. When the river was too polluted, we didn't just fill it in with soil, we spent 2 billion dollars reversing its flow to send our garbage out to St. Louis. Here in Chicago, we solve problems!"

Traffic scientists have estimated that the changes will cut congestion by nearly 1% and increase sale of amphibious vehicles by almost 2%. All in all, the city is already celebrating the exit additions as a great success. "Sure we could've reduced traffic lights, increased lanes, and decreased sharp turns, but we pride ourselves on our creative problem solving.” said Mr. Warren.

The new exits already appear to be a tremendous success, however residents are quickly learning that all of the exit ramps are one way and are being forced to abandon their vehicles to the harsh lake waters.

As a result, water levels are already rising, so city officials are now urging drivers to only drive compact cars off the exits.