Bears' New Playbook Filled with Existential Dread

By Hirsch Ptyc

CHICAGO, IL - With the Bears on a 4 game losing streak, Head Coach Matt Nagy has developed an innovative new playbook that is based entirely on existential dread.

"This new playbook uses my skills in ways I never expected a coach would have the guts to," said running back Tarik Cohen. "For example, we worked on a play call where I run a wheel route, then sit down on the turf and think for several minutes on the futility of making an effort in an uncaring world. That's the kind of high-quality, existentially terrifying stuff Coach Nagy has dreamed up for this week."

Nagy, who has been lauded as a revolutionary football mind despite his recent struggles, is reportedly instituting an entirely new locker room culture to go along with his playbook. Embattled Bears QB Mitch Trubisky says that the new attitude is already helping to ease the pressure of playoff expectations.

"It used to be that, when I missed an open Trey Burton on 3rd and 4 for the second time in a quarter, Coach Nagy would yell at me on the sidelines and tell me I needed to complete passes like that," said Trubisky. "This week in practice, he just came up to me and told me that we're all going to die anyway, so it really doesn't matter whether I wildly miss my receivers on easy throws in key situations. The knowledge of our impending doom really takes the stress out of football."

When reached for comment, Detroit Head Coach Matt Patricia claimed the Bears were behind the curve, since the Lions have been running an existential-dread-based offense since 2008.