Compromise Alert: Madigan Announces He Will Step Down as Speaker if He's Made Dictator of the Moon

By Hirsch Ptyc

SPRINGFIELD, IL - Dogged by the ComEd bribery scandal and lacking the votes to remain in power, Speaker Michael J. Madigan has steadfastly refused to budge as Democrats call for his resignation. However, new hope for compromise emerged today when Madigan hinted that he would voluntarily step down if he was made the Dictator of the Moon in return.

"The time has come to strike a compromise to move Illinois forward, and for Speaker Madigan to yield to new leadership," said his office through a statement. "If the Illinois General Assembly provides the Speaker with a spaceship, 100 able-bodied space colonists, and total personal sovereignty over Earth's only natural satellite, then it may be time to pass the torch."

While some Democrats openly welcomed the idea of Madigan resigning the speakership and slipping the surly bounds of Earth to become humanity's first Dictator of the Moon, statehouse Republicans seemed skeptical. The ILGOP caucus quickly fired back questioning whether Madigan's offer to leave the planet was just another political maneuver that would come back to haunt them.

"Sure, he says he's resigning in exchange for total personal dominion over the moon. But I don't believe that he's offering in good faith," said Minority Leader Jim Durkin, R - Western Springs. "In ten years, he'll develop nuclear weapons and threaten to destroy Earth from orbit unless he's given the Speakership back. He'll rule Illinois with an iron fist from his moonbase while artificially prolonging his lifespan for centuries in low gravity. And it's hard to imagine how we will solve our pension crisis if that happens."

Speaker Madigan's office declined to comment on this article. However, public records show that ComEd has already made a $500,000 contribution to a newly registered PAC called "Democratic Organization of the Moon/13th Ward."