Mayor Lightfoot Struggling to Take Care of 400,000 CPS Students During Strike

By Hirsch Ptyc

Photo by Alex Peters

CHICAGO - With CPS classes officially canceled for today as the Chicago Teacher's Union goes on strike, new reports indicate that Mayor Lightfoot is struggling to take care of the 400,000 students attending CPS schools who were bused to her Logan Square home this morning.

"I'm committed to finding a deal for teachers that will benefit all of Chicago," said Lightfoot from her house as a mob of 20,000 small children paraded through her kitchen banging pots and pans. "Until then, I'm taking personal responsibility for the welfare of every student, from the hundreds of pre-K children crammed into my pantry, to the thousands of teenagers currently smoking weed on my roof."

Sources indicate that as the hundreds of thousands of students were driven to Mayor Lightfoot's home early this morning, the mayor set out several packs of baby carrots and a box of Capri Suns for the arriving youths. While reports indicate that several hundred students were elated to find an old Nintendo Gamecube hidden at the back of a linen closet, the vast majority were unsatisfied with the lack of resources.

"There are over 150,000 kids down here in the basement with me," said Schurz High School Junior Daniel Hermosillo. "While this is less crowded than most of my classrooms, I'm hoping Mayor Lightfoot can end this strike before I need to use the bathroom, because the wait to get in is about thirty years."

As of press time, the Chicago Teachers Union had issued a statement calling the conditions in Lightfoot's home "appalling," although the students we spoke to all begged not to be sent back to Uncle Rahm's house.