End of Scooter Program Forces Chicago's Hipsters to Start Longboarding Again

By: Dylan Siegfried and Mitchell Trachtenberg

The Machine’s own Hirsch Ptyc sadly strolls through the grocery store.

As the Chicago’s scooter trial concludes , hipsters are once again being forced to ride their longboards to work, and microbreweries.

"No bueno my dude," said Milo Sheppard of Wicker Park. "I do not kick push anymore, this is going to be a gnarly adjustment," he continued, showing signs of one of the early stages of grief and loss.

Numerous others have also blamed companies like Lime and Sherpa for getting them hooked on the relatively quick and cheap mode of transportation, and are demanding their prompt return. They cited that the scooters were as habit-forming as, for example, a cotton candy flavored pod of straight nicotine. 

Data shows that longboarding rates decreased significantly during the scooter experiment, and that hospital visits are already rising to pre-scoot levels. 

The Machine would like to advise that while driving, biking, or walking, you should always be on the lookout for these hipsters helplessly careening out of control down the city streets.