Now the world is your popsicle! Here are ten things you can lick once you get your second dose:
Read MoreOverall, we would recommend the kit if you literally have money to burn. Like, if you’re already burning your money, this would potentially be a better use of it. From all of us at the Machine, have a great new year!
Read MoreCongratulations! Despite years of history repeating itself, asking out your Valentine’s day crush did not end in a night of shower-crying. Now comes the hard part: you actually have to follow through and be interesting. Don’t worry; we’ve got you covered. Here are 5 of Chicago’s best first date locations that may or may not all be the Nutella Cafe.
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According to local news stations, a young girl attending a Beyoncé concert has made history by accidentally discovering a universal cure for all forms of cancer.
Read MoreThe webinar plans to cover those topics that new parents fear most: changing diapers, talking about love, and resisting the allure of a billion dollar soul sucking music label.
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Wilson, a 4th generation asshole ever since his Great-Great Grandfather pushed a pregnant woman out of the way to get a better spot in line at Ellis Island, has found it harder and harder to find legitimate reasons to be a verbally abusive butthole to people.
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"No bueno my dude," said Milo Sheppard of Wicker Park. "I do not kick push anymore, this is going to be a gnarly adjustment," he continued, showing signs of one of the early stages of grief and loss.
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Let Madame Mustardini reveal to you the things you've always known to be true; each star sign has a favorite type of porn
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After searching for 24 hours, the friends received a call from Ditka, who was in the West Palm Beach jail. When they picked him up, they saw he had a new Florida Gator tattoo, a mullet, and no recollection of the past day.
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3. Milk ol’ Betsy - Ol’ Betsy aint gonna milk ‘rself and neith’r is that silly little contraption o’yers. Now git to it!
Read MoreNumber 7 is GUARANTEED to put the guy next to you in the hospital!
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Oh no! Your dog pooped in your mouth again! Here are the 7 best restaurants around Chicago where you can get rid of that horrible flavor.
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“Janelle said she didn't initially enter jail thinking this would be a viable housing cost option, but as the judge read her sentence and she started doing the math, she realized how much money she was going to save”
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In the wake of the news that wealthy families in the Northern suburbs are switching custody of their high school seniors to friends, so they could receive more financial aid, The Machine would like to offer its guide on how to get yourself adopted, and receive all of their wonderful privileges
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We get it! You’re sad, and your insurance claim for therapy was just a ripped sheet of toilet paper reading, “Nice Try.” Here are some helpful Do-It-Yourself tricks to keep the gloomies at bay:
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Please comment below with your own name suggestions, provided they are also variations of the name Gerald!
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