Cure for Cancer Discovered! FDA Approves Liquid Form of Beyoncé’s Boob Sweat

By Arielle Soussan

(a.k.a. Penny C. Bubblegum)

Photo by Kristen Pimley

WASHINGTON D.C. - According to local news stations, a young girl attending a Beyoncé concert has made history by accidentally discovering a universal cure for all forms of cancer. Twelve year old Alisha, diagnosed with terminal brain cancer last fall, was in the front row at a Beyoncé concert recently, when she was suddenly soaked by the star’s exposed breast sweat. In a miraculous twist, the world famous sweat altered Alisha’s condition for the better.

“We believe the perspiration radically transformed Alisha’s brain chemistry by repairing the lesions destroyed by the disease and even added additional brain cells that would give Alisha talents that have contributed to Beyonce’s musical genius,” a local specialist explained, holding a test tube containing Beyonce’s miraculous body potion. “Imagine what Beyonce’s urine could accomplish if tested correctly!” an assistant chimed in, currently examining Beyonce’s placenta tissue for irregularities.

When asked how she felt about her new powers, she stated, “I knew my boobs were special, but I was shocked to discover that they were magical as well. Jesus has granted me a unique ability to save the world, and I vow to do so one drop of sweat at a time, so long as I’m still breathing. Now I finally have an excuse to use these babies in public. Take that, Instagram!”

“I guess Halo really should’ve been about her instead of me,” Jay-Z added, while feeding Ivy Blue her daily dose of steroids.