‘Limit Your ‘Opes’ To 10 Times A Day’ and 19 Other New Chicago Laws Taking Effect January 1, 2020
By Daniel Stillman
Every year, the state of Illinois passes new laws that begin on January 1 after someone dies or loses an election because of a loophole in the current law. The Chicago’s City Council has followed suit with these 20 new laws we’ll all have to abide by on January 1.
1.) Reporting Chance The Rapper sightings in Chicago is now illegal. The city is well aware he lives here after hearing him rap for five seconds.
2.) Saying "Ope" is now only permitted 10 times per day, and going over the legal limit will result in a $100 fine. “Whoopsies” are permitted.
3) All Logan Square residents are now fully required to go vegan. Anybody found possessing meat or dairy products within the neighborhood shall be prosecuted.
4.) Chicago Bears General Manager Ryan Pace is now legally mandated to draft a Quarterback. A real one.
5.) A deep feeling of shame is now mandatory for anybody who takes the last slice of Lou Malnati’s deep dish.
6.) Skateboarding is no longer allowed at Millenium Park, unless you can do one of those cool Mctwisty things. Those are sick.
7.) Stop feeding the rats that live under The Bean.
8.) Construction is not allowed to stop, the city is now required to always be building an apartment you won’t be able to afford.
9.) Naming a newborn “Jussie” is now illegal, unless the baby is actually victim of a hate crime.
10.) The CTA will only come 20 minutes late instead of 30 minutes late, at risk of severe penalty.
11.) Stop poking the tummy of Governor Pritzker, he is not the Pillsbury Doughboy.
12.) Ketchup is banned on a condiment on all foods, in order to ensure protection against hot dog rebels.
13.) All Chicagoans must now refer to the elevated train system as “the L”, not “The El.” The latter is confusing for Spanish-speaking patrons
14.) We’re going to stop dying the Chicago River Green because it looks like that all year round anyway. Extra funds will be used to build a new weird statue instead.
15.) Sexual fantasies about Anthony Rizzo must now be limited to once per week.
16.) Anybody who comes across the Jesse White Tumblers that doesn't crouch down to let them flip over you will be subject to fines. The city will be building a Jesse White Tumbler commuter lane in 2021.
18.) Please stop shining your phone flashlight into the sky hoping Batman will show up.
19.) The above laws can be changed by anybody. Please contact your alderman for pricing!