Gym Teacher's Union Challenges School Board to Dodgeball Match to Settle Strike

By Dylan Siegfried

Chicago IL - With the Teacher's strike underway, and her back against the wall, Mayor Lori Lightfoot has decided to entertain an odd request from the gym teacher's squadron of the union: a winner take all dodgeball match.

"This has to end somehow," said an exasperated Mayor Lightfoot. "They know our demands, we know their demands, nobody is budging! I simply don't know any other way to settle this."

Lightfoot, the only competitor on the school board team, is hoping that her uncanny ability to launch dodgeballs at over 85 miles per hour, will be enough to overcome the entire squadron of gym teachers.

While the teachers will all be dressed in the same short shorts and branded polos, Mayor Lightfoot will dress in the same attire she uses to address the city on a daily basis. Dugan Mawile, dodgeball team captain, commented on the upcoming game while stretching his hammies, "The battle we begin to wage is 778 to 1. When all 778 of us simultaneously pelt Mayor Lightfoot with dodgeballs, we need to remember we are doing this for the children of this city."

The teacher's strike is largely a result of the Department of Education's refusal to recognize the teachers' need for more school nurses, social workers, and school supplies. To show solidarity with this message, along with the usual soft dodgeballs, gym teachers will be chucking out of date textbooks and pencils that say "Vote Gore".

The game, held in the cavernous Thompson Center atrium, will not be held without safety precautions. Players will have to walk through metal detectors and all bags must be see through to ensure no cheating. There will also be exactly one elementary school nurse attending the match, which the board has said is plenty for an event of this size. Gym teachers and Board Members alike were overheard hoping that they don't get any boo-boos too big to handle.

Mrs. Gurtaugh, coach of a CPS highschool softball team, seemed particularly excited for the game. She was last seen warming up by throwing a copy of The Great Gatsby clear through a tri-fold poster board.

"Throughout my career, I've pelted many dodgeballs at distracted students. I've also pelted many dodgeballs at parents, who were confronting me for pelting their children with dodgeballs. I can't help but feel like all of that pelting, has been leading up to this very moment."

Despite the fact that she is undersized, and outnumbered, Vegas is still putting 3-2 odds on a Mayor Lightfoot victory.