Report: New Store Going to Be Vape Shop, or Something Stupid like That

By: Hirsch Ptyc

CHICAGO, IL— Excitement over economic development in your neighborhood today was quickly tamped down when a friend of yours reported that a new store opening up on your block was probably going to be a vape shop, or something stupid like that.

“It’s going to be a vape shop dude. Bet on it,” said your friend. “It’s going to be called something stupid like ‘Vape Time’ or ‘Smoke City,’ and it’s going to have a glass case filled with bongs they can’t legally tell you are for smoking weed.”

Earlier excitement fed off of speculation that the new store opening up would be a good burger joint, or maybe a place you could finally get some good tacos in your hellhole ghost town of a neighborhood.

 Dunlap, the chairman of the Illinois Vape Shop Owners Society, did not deny these reports.

“I really don’t keep track of this stuff, but we’ve got like nine thousands of these shops scheduled to open in your immediate vicinity in the next two weeks, so you can probably bet on it being a vape shop,” said Dunlap. “Vape juice is the only growth sector in the American economy right now.”

An investigation into the building permits for the site, however, revealed that the store would actually be another useless location for Byline fucking Bank.