Trump Tower Offers Unwanted Retail Space To Criminal Defense Attorneys

By Dylan Siegfried

CHICAGO, IL - Unable to find tenants for the vast riverfront retail space under Trump tower, the building has been forced to turn to its namesake and fill these vacancies with the president's legal team.

"The retail space under Trump Tower, Chicago will now be exclusively offered to his criminal defense attorneys," announced broker Pete Vengilty, at a meeting of the Presidential Defense division of the Chicago Bar Association. "The space is offered free of charge, all you have to do is sign the paperwork." More than one lawyer in attendance balked at the idea of free space in the building known for expense and luxury, but couldn't quell their curiosity.

"The contract was pretty standard," said Mr. Ben Ghazi Esq. "Until you get to the seventh section of exhibit E in the second appendix." The second string lawyer for the president has informed The Machine that there truly is no such thing as a free lunch and shared the document with us.

[Appx. 2; Exhib. E; §7]
"You may rent for free. Operate your business for free. Utilities will be free. Though, we would like you [The Tenant] to do us [Trump Tower] a favor. In the event of the building's namesake being under legal attack from any actor foreign or domestic, you may be called upon to act as the aforementioned namesake's defense attorney, effective immediately, no questions asked."

While it's not unheard of for maintenance workers to be offered discounted apartment rates in buildings they service, stories of the world's first instance of "Quid Pro Bono" have spread through legal communities like Amazon wildfire. Brokers are hoping this will help keep the retail space filled.

At press time, a homeless man living in one of the spaces was accidentally given a briefcase and carted off to DC to attend the impeachment inquiry.