Architecture Tour River Boat Quarantined

By Dylan Siegfried

CHICAGO, IL - Amidst the COVID-19 outbreak, the city has taken some drastic measures to keep its population safe. This includes discouraging physical contact, frequent cleanliness reminders, and quarantining architecture tour river boats.

The idea came after the way Princess cruise lines reacted to the outbreak appearing on their ship. "Immediate and strict quarantine is the only way to slow this thing down,” said architecture tour fleet commander Phil Garuma.

Since Monday 3/9, four architecture boats have been stuck on the Chicago River, being sustained only by a seemingly endless supply of alcohol contained on the boat, and whatever people threw them from bridges. So far most of their meals have consisted of half eaten hot dogs.

"We ran out of gas long ago, we're subject to the river's will, and our only chance of survival is the generosity or carelessness of passers by on the bridges above," said passenger Brittany Orland, as she reached out off of the side of the boat to catch a fallen pint of Ben & Jerry's from the Lyric Opera Bridge. Overall, they have received a variety of food, such as split pea snow balls from Alinea and a gallon of Gooey Butter Cake ice cream from Jeni's.

Somehow, as boats lay still in the river, the tour guides have continued to provide a steady stream of information.

"I'm struggling here. We're right by where the river bends, and I'm running out of facts about the Merchandise Mart. I'd stocked up over 350 in a case of an emergency, I guess I'll just have to start listing tenants or something," said Tour Guide Brad Marsden.

At the moment, it doesn't seem that passengers will be leaving the boat anytime soon. They humbly ask for more vegetables, chipotle burritos, and fresh fruit.