Bears Franchise Tag Subway Restaurant

By Ryan McGinnis

CHICAGO, IL - In a shrewd move that retains a key part of team success for another year, the Chicago Bears franchise tagged a Subway restaurant.

At a press conference announcing the decision, Bears GM Ryan Pace, wiping away remnants of black forest ham from the side of his mouth, emphasized that Subway’s importance to the franchise was right up there with Mack and Trubisky. “It came down to Brady or Bridgewater. We couldn't make up our minds. Then, I thought, ‘What do people get when they need to compromise?’ Subway. Problem solved.”

The Bears’ locker room reacted positively to the tagging of one of their most popular teammates. “You can’t have football without the footlong,” said safety Eddie Jackson, in between bites of a BLT. Taking initiative, kicker Eddie Pineiro started kicking 43 yard field goals with the sandwiches. “They don’t doink, thank god.”

Head coach Matt Nagy, quietly humming “Subway, Eat Fresh,” expressed excitement at another year of Subway on the roster. “It will be a sparkplug in the offense. Tarik has been delivering them via DoorDash for practice. Trust me: there will be a lot more meatball marinara RPO this fall.”

According to the new NFL collective bargaining agreement, applying the franchise tag to Subway means that it will be paid the average salary of the top five fast food restaurants.

Upon learning how the tag works, local Bears fan Tommy Lukowski was irate. “That is ridiculous! They think Subway is elite?”

“I would have tagged a Portillo’s!”