Governor Pritzker Reverses Stance On Toilet Paper Hoarding After Seeing How Chicagoans Shit

By Daniel Stillman

CHICAGO, IL - Amid the Coronavirus pandemic scores of Chicagoans have been rushing to grocery stores to hoard toilet paper, resulting in shortages. Governor J.B. Pritzker in the past demanded Chicago residents stop selfishly hoarding the products, but after seeing how they shit this past week, he has changed his stance.

“The past two weeks, frankly, have been disgusting. We're seeing people walk out of stores with shopping carts full of toilet paper. But what’s been absolutely vile is seeing what their assholes have been producing,” Governor Pritzker added. “Just the amount of it, Jesus.”

He continued, holding back gags, “As a result of this, I will allow all Chicagoans to hoard as much toilet paper as necessary - as they clearly need it.”

Chicagoans were excited for the reversed stance. Governor Pritzker did, however, give advice to at least use a little less toilet paper to "make it easier on the pipes."

He continued, “I want to give all Chicagoans and the rest of Illinois the best piece of advice I got from my father. The best way to use less toilet paper is to take away most of the toilets in your mansions. Not only will you use less toilet paper while taking your large dumps during this terrible virus, but you will pay less in taxes. It works for billionaires like me, and it will work for you too.”

The press conference announcing the governor’s reversed stance took place while Pritzker was in the bathroom.