Adler Planetarium Offering Free Admission to Anybody who Proves Earth is Flat

By: Dylan Siegfried

CHICAGO, IL - Hoping to engage the community in spirited debate, the Adler Planetarium is offering free admission to anybody who offers conclusive evidence that the Earth is flat.

Lead astronomer Sabrina Peloton stated, "This new policy will at the very least force people to explain to their kids that they can't go see the Wiggles laser light show because stepping on a mini globe with your Timbs isn't convincing enough for us."

The Planetarium will take all arguments that can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that we live on a circular yet flat-as-a-pancake earth, and we are the human syrup just waiting to brim over the sides. This new policy has been touted by some conspiracy theorists as a sign that the Planetarium has discovered true proof of flat earth, and now they are withholding it from the community at large. When asked why, Flat-earther, Jones McCool said, "Doesn't it just seem like something a roundy would do?"

The Planetarium's staff stood by smugly as flat-earther after flat-earther failed to sufficiently prove that the earth is a frisbee, cd-rom, or slice of bologna.

"These people are so closed-minded, man. I'm starting to think not even taking these idiots to space and showing them the hubcap we live on would be enough to convince them," said Judd Hirschley, a moderator of a prominent flat-earther Facebook group.

The Planetarium has proudly declared victory in the war on science, and reported that nobody has gained free entry to the Planetarium since the rule's inception.