City Hiring Falling Ice Sign Spinners

By Dylan Siegfried

CHICAGO IL - As the city plunges deeper into the dead of winter, Lori Lightfoot is adding a new twist to the yearly “falling ice” signs by paying people to stand and spin them.

The signs are there to tell people that at any moment they could be crushed, impaled, or smushed by a flying icicle falling from hundreds of feet up. Despite the city's best efforts, people continue to simply weave around signs like it was a squashed hot dog on the pavement.

"People just don't pay attention to the signs! It's like they don't even care about chunks of ice and snow hurtling towards them trying to crush them until they are dead!" said an exasperated Lori Lightfoot, after realizing her constituents have no natural sense of self-preservation.

"Sign Spinners are bringing two big things to falling ice awareness. One, people will have their eyes glued to the performers because of their flare and razzamatazz, and Two, it's only a matter of time before they get a real life example of what happens if you don't heed their warning." Said Lightfoot while waggling a finger at passers by.

When asked if they had any concerns about working in the drop zones, Chris Witaker, foreman of the sign spinners said, "We asked for hardhats at least, but that Lightfoot, she thinks it would take away from the performance."

Until the sign spinners are in place, the city continues to warn residents to not walk, at all, near any building, ever.