Pajama Crawl Attendee's Butt Flap Caught On Rusty Screw At Old Crow Smokehouse

By Ang Stybetch

CHICAGO, IL - Ill-fated Wrigleyville Pajama Crawl attendee Mike Reed sobered up quick when a pesky rusted screw protruding from the Old Crow Smokehouse bar latched onto the butt flap of his quirky new sleepwear last Saturday.

“My cow onesie was really starting to catch the eyes of some honeys before this happened,” Reed assured himself as he zoomed in on the faces of random girls who reluctantly agreed to take photos with the 6’3” drunken bovine, each victim looking more distant and uninterested than the last. “Now people are going to make fun of me.”

Advancing the situation from mediocre to terrible, the rusty hardware lodged itself into Reed’s left butt cheek when the uddered man tried wiggling himself free. The Old Crow Smokehouse manager, a guy who should definitely be more prepared for idiocy like this, called for emergency vehicles whose lights and sirens quickly drew attention to the rustic storefront.

“I can’t help but feel bad for the kid,” shared irresponsibly sexy firefighter Margot Willard as she swatted away the horny, inebriated crowd. “Imagine just day drinking with friends and, next thing you know, you’re getting an emergency tetanus shot in front of the entire young adult population of Chicago.”

Looking forward to an opportunity to redeem himself after his public ass vaccination, Reed stated that he plans to keep his expectations high for next month’s Shamrock Crawl where he hopes to finally get lucky.