Chicago's Holiday Train Gearing Up For War On Christmas

By Dylan Siegfried

Photo by Alex Peters

CHICAGO, IL - Blindingly barreling through Merchandise Mart and across the city, it's clear that the Holiday Train has spent their off season gearing up for the War on Christmas. Highlighting their new sponsorships of the NRA and Halliburton, the Chicago tradition is poised to never be the same again.

With their halls decked in heavy artillery, and AR-15s hung on the windows with care, Christmas will hardly stand a chance this year. One CTA conductor, Cal Harrington, was particularly excited for the additions. "There's even been talks about lobbying for an expanded budget to bring the war to Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and the Winter Solstice. This is exactly why I became a conductor" he said while firing a rifle into the air.

Santa will have a featured role on the main car, as always, but his usual red suit will be lined with Kevlar and the only thing he'll have in his sack is more bullets. Mrs. Claus, missing her jolly beau, has kept busy at home rallying the elves to help with the war effort.

The CTA has issued an encouraging statement to passengers addressing their rougher than usual commute, "We will be issuing discounted tickets to passengers who have been dismembered or maimed by the ongoing battle although we discourage involvement. Please attempt to stay within the designated demilitarized zone of the Brown line above Sedgwick."