5 Mental Health Episodes I’ve Had That Lasted Longer Than Edward Guerra Kodatt’s Tenure as State Rep
By Tommy Spears
Mike Madigan’s replacement as state representative for the 22nd District of Illinois, Edward Guerra Kodatt, resigned after only three days, following allegations of “alleged inappropriate conduct.” The Illinois Democratic Party has not specified what the inappropriate conduct was, but in the spirit of transparency, here are five mental health episodes I’ve had that lasted longer than Kodatt could have ever hoped to in the House of Representatives.
Eighth Grade Crush, age 14, Depression--Ah, young love. Her name was Amanda Rivas, and I met her in the Marlon Jackson Middle School production of Beauty and the Beast (the non-Disney version, we weren’t made of money). She was Belle, and I stole the show as the prince who gets turned into the Beast and comes back at the very end after two hours. I didn’t get any songs, but I did get to kiss Amanda every night during curtain call. Closing night I walked in on her in the choir room making out with the guy who played Gaston. It was the first time I was ever depressed. I got on my bike and just started riding. Four days later my parents found me in an Arby’s parking lot two towns over. You never forget your first.
Grade: One day longer than Edward Guerra Kodatt
Car Crash, age 16, Paranoia--Sophomore year, driving back to school from a dentist’s appointment and I looked down to change CDs before I got to that 45 minute Green Day song off American Idiot--you know, the second one? I hit that truck so hard I could hear my Dad yelling at me from the future. It was the first time I realized I was going to die outside of an English class. I spent the next week in my basement wearing a World War One helmet and trying to permanently evade death. Eventually I got radon poisoning and passed out. Grade: Four days longer than Edward Guerra Kodatt
The BB Gun Incident, age 21, Mania--College is where mental health problems start for many people. If yours haven’t yet, I recommend eating one of those wizard-shaped truffles your roommate brought back from his semester in Amsterdam. There’s nothing like magic mushrooms to make you consider what you’re going to do with a double major in Philosophy and Theatre History from Loyola. Things turned sour at the Waiting for Godot cast party when they found me in just a bowler hat shooting a BB gun at a phone line because “the squirrels were getting ideas.”
Grade: Either ninety days longer than Edward Guerra Kodatt or three hours total
St. Patrick’s Day, aged 24, Rage--There comes a time in a young man’s life when he has to fight for what he believes. Me? I believed that the guy spilling a Black and Tan onto my Stan Smiths was a Protestant spy. A good fighter knows to step towards his opponent to avoid getting hit. I am not a good fighter. When I woke up it was Easter and four of my teeth were fake.
Grade: Fifteen days longer than Edward Guerra Kodatt
Writing This Article, aged 29, Deja Vu, Repressed Memories, Panic--They say the best humor comes from personal tragedy. I certainly believed that when I told our editor Mitchell that I was on board for an article comparing the laughably short term of Mike-Madigan-successor-and-presumably-shitty-human Edward Guerra Kodatt to my own mental breakdowns. I didn’t realize writing it would stir up so many emotions. All this self reflection has led me to two epiphanies: 1. I’ve never addressed a single one of these breakdowns and 2. I did my best thinking during these episodes. I used to be a man of action--what happened to that guy? What did he do with that bowler hat? And had he really been definitively rejected by Amanda Rivas? It’s a question that could only be answered by a cross-country drive to ask her to leave her husband...I think she lives in Tucson? If I leave now, I could be crossing the desert by sunrise, and reach her in the early afternoon. I miss her.
Grade: Five days longer than Edward Guerra Kodatt