Illinois 8th Grade Health Classes Required To Watch “Miracle of Taxes” Video

By Daniel Stillman

SPRINGFIELD, IL - Passing both the Illinois State House and Senate thanks to the Democratic majority, all 8th grade health classes in Illinois public schools are now required to watch a video called “Miracle of Taxes” to learn where taxes from and how it benefits a state of Illinois. The new policy is in response to local Ald. Ray Lopez’s controversial call to tax childbirth utilizing ‘conception fees’ and a ‘license of childbirth’ and no one is happier about the new law than Governor JB Pritzker.

“Gone are the days of those uncomfortable conversations between young children asking their parents where taxes from or why they are moving the family to Indiana,” said an elated Governor Pritzker. “If eighth graders are old enough to learn where babies come from, they are emotionally mature enough to know where all the money from their parent’s paychecks goes. Soon they will understand why their parents throw darts at a portrait of me on their bedroom ceiling.”

Some 8th grade health classes have already started viewing the “Miracle of Taxes” video in their classrooms and it’s largely been met with disgust for the extremely graphic video.

“This how we pay for roads?” Asked nauseous eighth grader Joey Curtis, swallowing down vomit throughout the interview. “After watching that, I don’t know if I want to learn to drive knowing that’s how roads are built and maintained.”

The Illinois Department of Education encourages students to not ask any questions after viewing the “Miracle of Taxes” and recommends blindly accepting the fact of life that is taxes.