JB Pritzker’s New Tax Plan: Just Tax the Hell Out of One Specific Person

By: Hirsch Ptyc

SPRINGFIELD, IL— Governor JB Pritzker released an updated version of his graduated income tax plan today, which aims to solve the state’s financial woes by just taxing the ever-loving hell out of one dude in particular. The Governor revealed the new plan is a compromise that arose out of bipartisan negotiations.

“Everyone was about to walk away from the table, thinking we wouldn’t be able to make a deal. But then someone said, ‘hey you know Tim Zalewski from Berwyn? Fuck that guy,” said Governor Pritzker. “And we were like, yeah, he’s an asshole. He should pay us the money to make up for what we owe people.”

Under the new plan, which Democrats are already calling the “Fuck Tim Tax,” all Illinois taxpayers will pay the same effective tax rate they do now, except for Tim, who will pay whatever the hell the state needs him to pay to make up for the structural deficit, the bill backlog, and the underfunded pensions. Economic expects expressed optimism for the plan, but cautioned that it was only a first step in a longer process.

“In every tax plan, you make assumptions about what you can get out of people. In this case, we’re assuming that 24 year old Tim Zalewski will be able to pay a 20,000% to 30,000% net tax rate,” said Standard and Poor’s analyst Mark Shapiro. “The state might not get as much revenue as the Governor projects, but even a fraction of that revenue will bring Illinois back from the brink. We foresee several credit upgrades for the state in the future.”

At press time, Tim could not be reached for comment, as he was about to start his shift at White Castle.