Cheeky 'L' Rider Tempts Fate with Fart

By: Meghan Ford

 CHICAGO, IL - While riding in a combination of both rush hour and Cubs traffic on the Red Line, Berwyn man Curtis Johnson attempted to eek out some undetected flatulence.

“I honestly thought it would be your average, run-of-the-mill, 3:00 p.m. coffee fart,” said the red-faced Johnson. “I really did.”

The Berwyn man had intended for the breezy squeaker to fly under the radar, however, he had underestimated the magnitude of the beast. The full-blown fart incited a mass riot.

“It almost popped my eardrums,” Nina Wisse, a fellow passenger shouted while detailing the event. “I still can’t hear right, and don't even ask me about my sense of smell.”

Defending himself, Johnson claimed to only have had a ‘small taste’ of the cabbage salad, and ‘one tiny bite’ of the Old Style soaked Kielbasa for lunch.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” pleaded Johnson. “I felt it bubble, but not too much, just like a little expansion from my lower intestines - and figured I could just let it flow out of me, slow, like opening a soda bottle.”

Yet, on this fateful day, the flow was more volcanic than expected. Witnesses to the event described it as, “apocalyptic,” “earth-shattering,” and “as if the gates of hell opened and out came the devil himself, disguised as a stanky ass cloud.” One CTA rider noted, “It smelled like he was somehow pregnant, but with shit, from when he ate literal shit.”

All passengers were evacuated from the scene once the doors opened to the North/Clybourn stop. “We were clawing at the doors. I didn’t give a shit that I had another 3 stops to Addison - I had to get out of there,” stated Bob Fields, a portly Cubs fan. “I’d walk 10,000 miles to get away from that mess, and that means something coming from me, because I'm the guy that turned the Wrigley Field trough into a slip-n-slide.”

As a result of this catastrophe, the CTA has announced that the red line, shall now be known as "the second brown line."